Evince

I don’t want to do anything, don’t want to do nothing.

Healing is edgy

perfect for me

I want fuel for art

And fuel for swagger

And I want my skin to be cosseted and mulled over

Time after time after time

..

I push myself inside out

and the pleasure falls out

Wordless

Turn it into terms for me

Turn me into terms for you

..

Behind curtains I ignored, front to back, a man in a suit who wanted to touch me.

I put my fingers to my eyes across the black purple man.

[Work it out together]

And you asked me

Finally

“Wasn’t the prior, was?”

[as if you already knew]

And I answered

Finally

No.

Do you ever think

maybe

you are trying too hard

to control

what you cannot control?

I don’t want him to die, either.

But can’t you see how you drag this out?

The foods, the draining, the pampering.

A good caregiver, granted.

But a better procrastinator.

I love him, too.

But he needs to pass soon.  I hate it.  I do.  But I hate seeing this house turn into an infirmary.

Baby you lay it down and give it to me just right, you do.

So I don’t need to plug my nose to keep you.

I thought you had a sphere

and spheres required such sacrifices.

How can your blood go to two places at once?

And further,

how can my troubled face inhibit you so?

Your sphere is different.

I already loved it, but

you are golden.

And it confuses me.

But that’s ok.

I would rather be confused than shrink back into the numbness that sex was born from.

though im not quite there yet.

I am going to out hot the whole fucking world today.

Every time you make me laugh, I am reminded of how much I love you.

Clearly my body thinks it needs to feed another life force because I am so hungry.  I remember this from the pill and the patch.  And I remember this headache.  And this sinky feeling.  Though the sinky feeling has diminished quite a bit in the past two hours.  That is relieving.  Anyhow.  Nothing profound to say.  Just wanted to complain about being hungry but being too lazy to go downstairs [again] to get more cereal.

Sometimes I just don’t know.

I hope to wake up tomorrow

feeling better

than I did today.

Though you eased my brain,

my brain hates to be eased.

I wish I knew

what to do

to help this emptiness go by.

I’ve been feeling it through, honoring it, even welcoming it.

So why won’t these emotions talk to me

and tell me where they come from

and what I can do for them?

What a change in just a day.

Maybe somedays one really does just wake up

on the wrong side

of anything.

I dreamt

he was invisible

but i felt his hand

i cried

i let it go

Carve our initials into trees.

I want to do things with you I’ve never done before.